Meth, monks and more. A visit to Dumbville

Date Published: 
February 10, 2017

Do you ever struggle with your vehicle’s fuel economy?

Sure, it’s not as big a deal as it was several years ago when we saw prices climb toward $5 a gallon, but you should still be concerned when a tank of gas no longer gets you as far as it used to, right? Of course, there might be a perfectly logical explanation for it that has nothing to do with your car’s efficiency.


According to a story by UPI, a 19-year-old American man was inspected by El Centro Sector Border Patrol agents coming to the U.S. from Mexico on Monday morning. A dog team reportedly reacted to a scent in the undercarriage area of the car, and agents decided to investigate a little more comprehensively. They reportedly discovered 30 packets of methamphetamine weighing in at a total of more than 43 pounds, and carrying an estimated street value of $173,840, according to the story.

So, you might be asking yourself right now, where did someone hide 43 pounds of meth in his car? Apparently, authorities found it in his fuel tank, which kind of makes sense considering the driver was in a Ford Fusion hybrid, so he could probably made it to Vermont with a teaspoon of gas.

Still, I can’t help but wonder: Would a future wall have stopped this from getting through any better than attentive border agents and highly-trained dogs, or would the guy have just been able to throw his hybrid and the accompanying drugs over it?

Editor’s Note: Please send any comments about the wall joke to EditorDontCare@obviously-fake-email.com.

Of course, people being people, we like to compete with other people. Unfortunately, for the aforementioned drug smuggler, he can not compete with a Buddhist monk in Myanmar.

An Associated Press story said a monk was pulled over in his car after authorities were tipped off that the monk was “carrying an illegal haul.” Police said an anti-drug force found 400,000 meth pills in the monk’s car, and a subsequent search of the monk’s monastery found another 4.2 million pills, with a street value upwards of $4 million. Police said they also found a grenade and ammunition — leading one to wonder if the monk was starting up a militia or preparing for an end-of-days battle with the dark forces of evil.

“This is not a normal case, and when we were informed that the monk was arrested, we were all shocked,” said Kyaw Mya Win, a township police officer.

One could see where this news would be shocking, but maybe we shouldn’t. Drugs — and weapons and diamonds, for that matter — have become its own form of currency for many without access to the traditional, folding kind, but a monk? Is he using it to convert it through trade to feed people? Clothe the masses? Secure protection? Or is it just for “recreational purposes” so he can kick back and listen to old Bob Dylan jams while contemplating life’s many riddles?

Or, maybe, he’s just another low-life drug dealer, but masquerading as a man of faith.

While those two earlier stories focused on people earnestly trying to get away with their crimes, some people just kind of let it all hang out there while they’re doing their dirt.

Take Daniel Marchese, for instance. Marchese, 51, was apparently exposing himself when Pittsburgh police found him in a running car, going in and out of consciousness in the middle of an intersection on Monday morning. They also reportedly found an open bottle of whiskey and two guns in his car, according to an Associated Press story. According to police, Marchese also threated arresting officers and kicked at them, all while wearing pink lingerie.

Look, I’m not here to judge. Well, except for the drunk driving, threatening and kicking police officers, the open bottle of whiskey and firearms in arm’s length when you’re too drunk to operate a motor vehicle... you know, that stuff. I will get a little “judgey” over that. But the lingerie? To each their own, homie.

Look at Marcus Sanford Patmon, of Miami, for example. Patmon was watching as then-getting-ready-to-leave-office President Barrack Obama was handing out pardons like a monk hands out meth, so he hopped in a car, drove to suburban Washington, D.C., and asked to speak with Eric Holder (who, by the way, was no longer the attorney general) about getting a pardon for himself. Patmon had previously served a little less than two years in prison for stealing art.

One slight problem. In addition to not knowing who was the current attorney general, Patmon was driving a stolen car and got himself arrested again.

So, yeah. No pardon.