Tripple Overtime: Ryan Lochte isn’t the only lying U.S. athlete

Date Published: 
August 26, 2016

Throughout American history, the sports world and world in general have seen their fair share of lies and liars.


In fact, the whole country’s start is kind of based on a lie, considering that we celebrate independence every July 4, in honor of the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, when in fact England didn’t actually grant America its independence until like February of 1782 or something.

And also, George W. (Washington, not Bush) was not even president numero uno, it turns out, seeing that, actually, John Hanson became the first president of the United States under the Articles of Confederation in November 1781, and should probably have his own wooden smile on the front of all U.S.-issued greenbacks good for a 12-ounce Coca-Cola, instead of the one of a certain alleged chopper down of a certain alleged cherry tree (according to general American consensus).

So I guess it only stands to reason really that American athletes are pretty much basically lying all the time, whether it’s about steroids or no, and makes sense that Ryan Lochte felt it would probably be cool to spin webs regarding his drunken night in Rio last week rather than facing the metaphorical music.

To make Lochte feel better about it, here’s a few fibs possibly worse than using the unfortunate socioeconomic situation of a certain impoverished nation as a scapegoat.

• Bill and Tom — This one’s pretty obvious and probably too easy. In fact, I’m pretty sure that every list of liars everywhere has the mugs of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady stapled on the forefront.

From Spygate to Deflategate, and ditching iPhones, Bill and Tom will forever remain America’s Cheathearts, whether they done it or not.

• Lance Armstrong — For Lance Armstrong, while “It’s Not About the Bike,” it’s most certainly about the performance-enhancing drugs.

Armstrong’s long-term lying was pretty unequivocally worse than Lochte’s, seeing that not only did he use banned substances to win a bunch of Tour de Frances, but he then wrote a book, the thesis of which pretty much boiled down to “work hard to achieve your dreams” or something else right from the Platitudes, and used his fame to sell a bunch of yellow bracelets, which I find pretty shameless, regardless of their charitable side-purpose.

• O.J. Simpson — If Lance can’t get Lochte off the hook, O.J. probably can — or rather, should I say, Johnnie Cochran can.

I mean, the guy basically got away with murder, is the general American consensus, strengthened in part by the whole white glove/white Bronco ordeal.

Getting drunk and crying wolf so you don’t have to fix a door is one thing, getting all Jack Torrance and allegedly eliminating your ex-wife’s map is another.

So there you have three (four, if you count Bill and Tom separately) liars undoubtedly worse than Ryan Lochte. Maybe it’s time we leave the poor guy alone. He won us a gold before the whole door thing went down, after all.