These geese don't lay golden eggs

By Dick Ross
Special to the Coastal Point

In a word, build them a golf course and they will come.

It was a brisk, sunless afternoon in early January. I had the course all to myself. Well, except for the two to three hundred geese and goslings clumped together about 90 yards down the third fairway. I hadn’t seen them until now, but I knew they were around, since I could smell the residue of their presence on the two greens I had just played.

What does a golfer say to a large flock of Canada geese that are in his way? “Fore?”

“Mind if I play through?” I merely shrugged, teed up and got off a pretty good ball that landed just a few feet from the flock’s perimeter, on the apron of the green. A few of the birds turned their heads laconically to acknowledge the presence of the little white projectile that had just fallen from the sky. I don’t think they were strangers to the game.

I put the 3-wood back in my hand cart and trooped down the fairway. The birds found their own company more interesting than my approach, honking sociably, tending to their little ones. Finally, when I was about a dozen yards away, they lazily began first to waddle then to fly off, making a thunderous noise, like a big canvas sail being doused in a heavy wind.

In no time, the geese had gone into a V-formation, wheeling gracefully in a sweeping circle. They vectored around and lost some altitude, as though preparing to land directly on my head.

I have to admit I felt a fleeting moment of fear, having just seen the DVD re-mastered version of Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”

The fear vanished when I remembered James Michener’s lovely characterization of Eastern Shore Canada geese in “Chesapeake.” He described how intelligent they were and, touchingly, how they mated for life and tenderly nurtured their young. No, I didn’t think it would be necessary to use my 9-iron as a club to beat them off as they attacked my eyes. As matter of fact, they gained altitude and were soon out of sight.

Well, so I thought, until I set up for my next drive. There they were, on the green this time.

They politely left as I attempted to hole out. They impolitely left more calling cards.

And so it went for the rest of the game. They always stayed one hole ahead of me, right up to my final putt on the ninth green. I half expected they might follow me back to the pro shop and offer to clean my clubs.

As we all know, geese, both Canada and snow, are the bane of local farmers, homeowners and golf-course operators. Bird authorities offer some advice on humane ways to get them to go someplace else. Noise-makers can shoo them away. (Note to myself: bring a pot and pan next time you play a round). There are non-toxic but unpleasant-tasting agents you can spray on the grass.

You can use dogs to frighten them away (border collies and English setters are recommended because of their reputation for being gentle with birds). But, as Michener told us, geese are intelligent creatures. They can’t be fooled for long.

We could, I suppose, stop them at the border and deny them green-card status. But that would only worsen already-testy relations between ourselves and our Northern neighbors.

As far as golf courses are concerned, if you can’t lick them, you might invite them to join. Just make sure they pay green fees like everyone else.

Dick Ross is a 36-year veteran of the Mutual and NBC radio networks, and for his final dozen years at NBC served as senior news correspondent in Washington, D.C. He currently resides in Dagsboro.